A Light in the Darkness

by Robin Gray

I believe most people go through areas of darkness at some point in their lives. Whether it is some form of addiction, a chronic disease, the death of a loved one, financial loss, the end of a marriage, a struggle with mental illness, or any of the other various things that bring us to our knees, most of us have been touched at some point or another by darkness.

My own personal experience with darkness deals primarily with depression as it has been my uninvited companion for most of my adult life. It was the catalyst that started me down a twenty year tunnel of addiction, has often distorted my opinion of myself and others, sabotaged my relationships, and kept me from the people I love most. It is a darkness that is creeping and tangible, and it is difficult to describe to anyone who has never experienced it.

I expect anyone who has gone through a particularly dark episode in life feels similarly. My sister recently experienced the death of her husband; the only man she ever loved. I tried to enter the darkness with her as closely as I could, but I could not squeeze myself inside of her pain and go through that aching grief with her. I could sit with her and be present, but I could only experience it from the outside of her breaking heart.

There are times when we enter the darkness completely alone, no matter how much we are loved, or how desperately people want to go there with us.

It is in times of darkness and loneliness that I’ve learned to rely on my faith in Christ, and what his word has taught me. In John’s introduction to Jesus, he tells us that “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind” (John 1:4).

Just think about that for a second… In Jesus there is life, and his life is the light of all mankind. That includes me and my depression, and my sister and her grief. In Christ there is life, and his life is my light.

I have learned to invite Jesus into my dark spaces.

Twenty years ago I entered a twelve step program for recovery from alcoholism. Step three simply says that we “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.” It was at that point that I had to re-examine my preconceived notions of who God was and what he was willing to do for me. I had to understand that God wasn’t angrily ready to strike me dead and make me eternally miserable for all of my many sins and mistakes. No, God loved me infinitely, and was waiting for my invitation for him to enter into my darkness with his light; not once I got myself “straightened up and sorted out,” but while I was the most sick, vulnerable and desperate.

The Amplified version of John 1:5 says “The light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness did not understand it or overpower it or appropriate it or absorb it (and is unreceptive to it.)” In other words, no matter how deep the darkness, it cannot put out the light of Christ.

I still struggle with bouts of depression from time to time. When I do, I try to physically take care of myself and follow my doctor’s instructions. I also tell myself that what I am feeling may not accurately represent reality. And I remind myself of the assurance of unconquered light in the person of my Savior, no matter how dark it may seem.

This is my promise and my hope.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)